First post of 2010 - I miss my Mom

Well, it's been since early November of 2009 since I last posted. My Mother died November 29th of Pancreatic Cancer and the following months were/are very hectic to say the least. We're still sifting through all of the things left behind. Here is a picture from last year at the Zoo, she hated this hat but let us take a picture of her anyway.

I haven't had much to say so haven't posted, her death was very hard to handle, I didn't and haven't cried. Why not? I think because I cried enough watching her suffer for so long so when she passed I knew she was pain free and with her Mother and Father in heaven. Her last days were so hard for her I doubt I could have survived it had I gone through it.

For example, the week of Thanksgiving she was in the hospital again. Her feet were swollen purple and her skin was cracking. She was in so much pain she couldn't walk. She wanted very badly to be at home on Thanksgiving and the doctors made the mistake of telling her that if she could walk around the nurses station they would release her. Knowing full well there was no way this woman could get up let alone stand up and walk that far or even a few steps.

My brother and I knew better, she sat up, got onto her feet and with no hesitation walked all the way around the nurses station and then said ok, can I go home now? Imagine the shock on the doctors and nurses faces when they saw this. Pure will power simple as that, you simply did NOT tell her she couldn't do something because she would prove you wrong.

They let her go home and for most of Thanksgiving she was in pain and wasn't able to enjoy the day as much as she would have liked. I had to carry her to the bathroom and from the bathroom because she was unable to walk and you could see she was fighting a lot of pain. The next night we had to call an ambulance to take her to Woodstock Hospice. She was unresponsive when she got to the hospital and we worried for the worst and the nurses prepared us for the worst.

So, the next morning Mom is sitting up clear as can be demanding she be released to go home. We were all shocked, how could she be this clear after the night she had?? The nurses told us this is normal for people about to pass on, I didn't get it, how does somebody look so good if they're about to pass on? People came by to visit and I'm sure some of them thought we were crazy for putting her in Hospice.

That night Ronda and I stayed with Mom and around 9:00pm she went into this strange sleep, very powerful breathing, rapid and scary. By morning she was comepletly unresponsive and never woke up again, she had a few moments where she said our names and you could see she was in there fighting but losing. Her breath started to slow down and then she faded away, I stood there and bent over and whispered to her it was ok to let go, it killed me to say it but I said it. My brother, Ronda and Penny all leaned over to tell her it was ok.

Her breath just got slower and slower until she took what seemed like one breath per minute then nothing. We all said the lords prayer and then stood there silent, unable to say anything. I stood there realizing my Mom had just died not knowing what to do, I felt empty and dead inside myself. I felt alone, I felt like I needed to do something but didn't know what it was, heck it's 8/18/10 and I'm still numb. She had overcome so many battles in her life and suddenly, she is gone... there simply isn't any words to describe how her death has affected us.

I miss her, there was still so many things we all wanted to do with her. I felt/feel I didn't do enough when she was here. Sure I called her daily and there are times I still pick up the phone to call her and suddenly realize she isn't there and won't be there. Ronda and I bought an RV that she would have loved to go camping in, so did Steinar and Penny..... too late for her to enjoy so we think of her every time we take it out. For my Mom's birthday we are hoping to go to the Amana Colonies like we did on almost all of her birthdays the past 6 years.

I still see her, I get a sense that she is around sometimes and I wish I had done more for her and I hope I did enough because she deserved it.

I love and miss you Mom...